Last night as I lay in bed looking at the stars, I thought "Where the hell is the ceiling?!"
I
f Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

(on a t-shirt) BOMB SQUAD. If I'm running, try to keep up.

A day without sunshine is like.. well, night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

That must be wonderful! I don't understand it at all.

In case of emergency, speak in clichés.

This is not something to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown, with great force.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

There are two types of people: those who divide people into two types, and those who don't.

I can resist everything except temptation.

When the blind leadeth the blind, get out of the way.

Make the most of yourself, because that's all the self you are going to get, mister.

When in doubt, mumble.

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time.. I think
I’ve forgotten this before…

I went to a general store. They wouldn’t let me buy anything specific.
[seen above a urinal] Your child’s future is in your hands.

Strangers have the best candy.

Sex is hereditary.

If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished.

Friends may come and go, but enemies accumulate.

Give some people an inch, and they think they are rulers.

Poets have been curiously silent on the subject of cheese.

I always win. Except win I lose, but then I just don't count it.

Of course I don't look busy. I did it right the first time.

Writing about music is like dancing about architecture.

In an exam, relax and remember... There is no test.

!klat kcab ruoy dna uoy nmaD

You know you're stressed out when you can hear Mimes.

Who am I? I'm indecision. I'm everything. I'm nothing. And I may
even be both.

You know you should go to sleep when the sheep your counting start to hit the fence.

All work and no play is the average school day.

Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

True friendship comes when the silence between two people is comfortable.

Bad spellers of the world, untie!

Constipated people don't give a crap.

Great fear come from martial art of Ignoriticness...For I am...Lao Zi!

How many vegetables had to die to make your salad!?
Fear all mighty powers of Flab Foo...For my name is...Quait Fautt!

Give me liberty, or give me a bran muffin!

Granola. Granola solves everything.

You HAD to get the hot dog.

I solemnly swear that I shall lead the paper to victory over its
enemy, the scissors.

(On a shirt for women.) If you're reading this, thank puberty.

If the shoe fits, beat someone senseless with it.

White guy. Can't dunk.

(On a T-shirt) Who are you and why are you reading my shirt?

It's all fun and games until someone loses a tooth...then it's hockey!!

Instant human! Just add coffee.

Anger the French. Make tacos.

Celebrate life with ketchup!

Worry is the first time you can't do it a second time; panic is the second time you can't do it the first time.

I am a nobody. Nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door
you're on.

Ok. I'm gonna need a hammer, a chisel... maybe a couple of rocket launchers. But this pickle jar WILL come open!

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.

Realize that no matter what you do, the grocery store check-out line you're in will always take the longest.

Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.

Having a smoking section in a restaurant is like having a peeing section in a swimming pool.

Procrastinate Later.

I'm bored... Anyone got a rail gun?

Test link. Click under penalty of explosion.

There is no I in team, but there is a ME.

Dancing is like a shower: one wrong turn and you're in hot water.

Go now, or forever hold your pee.

A theater without beer is just a museum.

If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen!

i guess i make a better door than a window even though I am a pain.

No matter how I drop an egg it always seems to to land on
someone's head.